Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

She could if she wanted to.

May 26, 2010

Yesterday as I took a shower before work, I remembered when I was young and I would let the water run for twenty minutes, step out like I had showered, only to be busted by her.  How did she do it, how did she outsmart me again? She must have x-ray vision!  I think back to the days of staying out past my curfew and lying about where I was only to have her tell me my exact coordinates, who I was with and the times of my movements. Does she have phsycic powers? Is this woman a super hero? I mean this is the same person who launched a t.v.  across my room when I was 13!

Superheros usually come from some dramatic life altering moment in history or turmoil.  Her defining moment had to be the civil rights movement, a lot of you have heard of it, she lived it.  She consciously made the decision to go to school in the south, taking  oppression head on and refusing to be considered a second rate citizen.  She was assaulted by police officers, verbally harassed by civilians and put in jail for wanting the simplest things in life. She arrived victoriously  home to her parents, the prodigal daughter was back! She didn’t however come back without scars, but she wasn’t worried because her beauty out shined the harshest bruise.

She was so selfless that she put her needs aside to make sure I was getting the most out of life. Once I came along there was no distraction, she became hyper focused. A super human ferocity that drove her to finish her degree and the foresight to know that it was important for me to witness that great moment.

At times I played the role of the villain, defying her every wish, cursing her desires and placing my own wants ahead of my obligations. I played the cryptonite to her super facade, attempting to establish my dominance in our relationship, only to be reminded where I came from. Even after our most heated exchange, she was there to mend my wounds while embedding the lesson to be learned.  As our battle raged on at home, she defended me from any outside threat to a fault. Arguing my wrong-doings until the victims believed I was right. Her power as a compassionate teacher gave me the foundation to build my beliefs and the love to forgive and forget.

Today at the ripe ole age of “blankity blank” (She would literally kill me if I stated her age) she is a force to be reckoned with, tougher than the hardest nail. You see, after all of my attempts to destroy the strongest woman I’ve ever met with all of my selfish acts, she remains strong. I am scared of her, but I have an advantage over her other foes,  I know the warning signs. I know when that top lip curls under and that mighty index finger extends in my direction to frickin duck, because hell is on its way.

If you see Maile Wilson look in awe, this is a woman who defeated the oppressive south, conquered academics and demolished me and my super villain persona. It would be nothing for her to squash you like an ant, and if it happens don’t say I didn’t warn you!

I stand in shock at her ability to dodge father time and continue to inspire false guesses at her age. She stays in shape buy walking through the neighborhood and taking the steps when given the option, but if you witnessed as much of her life as I have you would wonder why she doesn’t just fly because, she could if she wanted to.

Don't let the smile fool you

I love you Mom!

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Get lost to find yourself

April 8, 2010

Over the past two weeks I’ve gotten really good at being depressed. I write about it, I talk about it, I live it. I don’t do it on purpose its just what i feel, it oozes out like hot stingy sweat. I feel like I lost everything that makes me happy, of course thats not true, I have a ton to be excited about everyday! I have great friends, good family and an awesome arrogant young man.

So, friends I’m sorry for being that sad beacon, blinking my blue light to lead you down my tear filled river.

We all have relationships and some of us give more emotionally than others. I feel like I did that, I gave so much I gave myself away, I lost myself. Every deep breath reminds me that my heart is empty, I need a fill up. Where does one person go to refill? The answer is different for everyone so I reminded myself of what made me happy when I was younger.. Nature, I love animals, plants, adventure, and solitude. A few days ago a guy came to my work and told  me about some trails in the Highland Cemetery, we talked for an hour about this hidden little nature reserve. It’s tucked back in the very back of the cemetery and it is AWESOME, I was like a kid in a candy store. My first encounter with trail walking in a long time was amazing, the trees were tall and covered me from the direct sun, chirps of the nickel sized tree frogs were my soundtrack.

Trail head

My plan was to take a couple pictures and get home and take a nap before work, that plan was trashed after the first hour. The spring blooms were overpowering and around every corner lied a new and unusual plant

Duthcman's Breeches (poppy family) poisonous!

Common violet

Minutes turned into hours and before I knew it the hour I planned to spend in the woods turned into 3 hours of hiking and sweating. I found that I hadn’t even thought about my situation and I actually felt good! The more full my memory card got the happier and more fulfilled I became.. Getting lost in the woods really did help me find my own happiness again, I found solitude, not the kind that had me feeling lonely but the kind of selfish type that gets you back to being you.

I found myself on this trail

After years of rushing and pushing through life it was nice to slow down and just listen, listen to nothing. Its hard to find comfort in other peoples words sometimes when you know they have the same complicated skewed views of the world and people as you do. When you get into nature it all changes, the sounds of the tree’s crashing together in the wind, the wild birds singing and showing off their spring plumage for their future mate. I started to forget my problems and think from my roots, from a simpler place, a place that made me thankful for everything! I spent 3 hours not saying a word, not sharing anything, just taking it all in, for once I was taking in more than I was giving. The sights, the sounds, the air and the water, all of it. It really felt like I was getting some of what I lost back again, for the first time my breathing was even, no longer was it a deep breath followed by a sigh. Beauty surrounded me again, the sun was out, and there I found myself… Lost in the woods

Spring house, natural spring.. It filled me up

Learning to walk

April 1, 2010

I don’t exaxtly remember the day, year or even the month but, I know it happened. My first step, I imagine it was a wobbly wet diapered fumble into a shag wilderness. I know I didn’t do it on my own, I was led to it, coersed by the loving hands of my mother. Gentle temptation led me away from her nurturing fingers and into my first glimpse of independence. As I think back that had to be everyones first liberation, albiet minute, its our primitive release into the wild blue yonder. My second milestone was reached on two wheels, location, Golden Ave. Unsure and unsteady with helmet secured she let go of my seat and off I went, gliding down the concrete with easy confidence. I didn’t do either by myself each instance was a colaboration, a series of failures followed by mini glimpses of promise of what could be. We worked towards a common goal, and each goal was met with great joy.

In relationships its almost the same way, you begin together with the same goal. What happens when that turns awry? We start just as the bike lessons had, brief visions of what’s to come followed by failure followed by great joy. At a point the promise of virtue fades and becomes what walking leads to, independence.

All of the above begin with great hope and all end up on your own vessel in the middle of a vast sea. Is  it that all relationships build and teach us about ourselves, give us confidence, lessons in whats to come, just to make us all stronger on our own? I’m sure we could all, as infants refused those first steps away from the crib, why wouldn’t we? Such comfort, no worries about a damn thing, I want food, I cry. I want interaction, I cry. I manufacture mud pies, I cry. Every single need was met with a loving touch and close cuddle and assurance that it would be okay. I need that now. Why did I take that first step? Why didn’t I refuse the temptation of common folk and stay in the velvet lined V.I.P. of my lush crib? Maybe my desire to question is the answer, or maybe us humans weren’t meant to be together indefinitely. My love for my mother didn’t keep me from taking that first treacherous independent step away from her, in fact she helped me to it, encouraged me to do so.

Has my continuous string of failed relationships prepared me for a life on my own? Each one filling me up to the point that I was ready to move on to the next port, like a great boat captain taking experiences from one relationship to another. Maybe i’m the converse, a pirate, destroying each port till there is nothing left then moving on to destroy again. Either way it sucks, this ocean is still lonely, interaction only comes with momentary glimpses of other lost voyagers looking to pillage what they can without giving  too much in return. Summer is coming, clear nights and bright skies, navigation should be easy for all.  My compass hasn’t failed me yet always helping me plot a sure course to some new adventure but, i’m tired i want to quit and find that one last dock I can tie up to and trade all that I have for retirement. Will they look at my goods as delightful bounty or just heavy baggage then send me on my way? Either way we all know a sailor is never truly retired.

My first steps have led to pedals now full sails on the open sea, still lost with hope of safe harbor. I’m getting old, with disparaging signs in the stars above my eyes are drawn to a single man in the horizon. This man isn’t lost, in fact he has led many to there final destination. He seems true and confident I’ve heard of him and he already loves me. I think i’ll heed his advice because as I get closer I realize he does walk on water.

The funny thing about breaking up is… it’s not funny

March 30, 2010

Waking up this morning is one thing that happened good today, strange but thats how I’m now checking off the days events. It seems that every good moment is followed by a sad one.  The last year is playing in my head like a movie that stars me and I have no control over editing and every detail is exaggerated, whether happy or sad. You see, I have made myself quite comfortable over the past year, relaxed in knowing that I finally found the one person who trusted and loved me as much as I love myself.  The tricky part about being cozy is it never last forever and the second you make one wrong move its hard to find that exact perfect position.

I have always been able to find humor in every situation, Its a gift and a curse, some might call me foolish but I think its a defense mechanism.  Laughter guards me from harsh reality and gets me through to the pleasant aftermath without suffering. I laugh at people getting hurt only to comfort them and help them to their feet when they need a hand. When my uncle was dying I surrounded myself with laughter and good friends to relieve the thought of the greatest man I’ve ever known being taken. I laugh at  it all off to a fault. What else does the Court Jester do when his heart is filled with pain? Does he retire, or take hiatus out west and come back with the greatest comeback album of all time? Right now it seems neither option will suffice.

In the beginning there was….. Oh wait that’s the wrong story!

In the beginning of my time with her its seemed like I could do no wrong choosing this route, she was my best friend, my entertainment, and my soul-mate (insert Napoleon Dynamite joke).  As a free spirit I made my  journey with a zig and a zag, dodging most obstacles while getting pelted by few. I lived my life on a lazy river sipping beer and wearing 30 spf to keep reality at bay. I made the choice to start this whole thing with a heavy heart, knowing that It would put me in a position to lose a lot, not only friends but freedom. With her invitation to ride, my lazy river was now a highway, cruising in the middle lane passing the slow pokes while the busy bodies passed with jealous grimaces piercing my tinted windows. I had that, I had that good stuff, the kind of stuff that’s in books. I had no desire to see romantic comedies because theirs had nothing on mine! We took a few exits on our way to this but it was never a worry because I knew we would be back on the road again soon.  This exit has no rest stops, no restaurants, nothing but car lots, and an open door inviting me to step out onto the single lane dimly lit road. What the fuck! Is this where it ends? Is this where I begin the trip on my own?  I didnt ask for this I just wanted some Funions! Why did I get ditched? I’ll get Fritto’s instead, I promise, anything, just come back, rescue me from my initial decision. Take me back to my river.

The horizon is the scariest place in the world right now, whats next? I mean, I had an idea a week ago, really I did, we had plans! I finally had foresight, finally had a few brief visions of my future and it was awesome! In front of me is nothing, darkness.  Of course, its not that bad, I have a miniature version of me that needs me, he will learn from this too. My son will get taught not to put too much faith in what people call love. Love can be one sided, you can pour it out while not getting any in return leaving you left empty. Not to say thats what has happened but i’m drained. The only thing I haven’t done is cry, the only tears that will ruin my makeup will be for my boy, he will miss out on a great person.

Here I go again, single, over 30 and frickin handsome.. I’m ditching this lonely road and hopping back on my tube but first I gotta hit up sunoco for some sun chips and a case of Miller Lite. The horizon might not be so bad with a beer buzz and an awesome soundtrack. So, I will be okay, days turn into nights and nights turn into new days and with each one the bulb on the projector gets dimmer yet, with the lights of the theater revealing all that I have to be thankful for.